How to Grow a Backbone to Say No
THE POWER OF SAYING NO
Many of us long for the affirmation of our peers. We want to please people and not let them down. I’m one who has always had a hard time telling people no no matter what the circumstances were.
In art, I was pretty much taking on every project that came my way. I thought I needed to get a ton of experience working with people and bringing their ideas to life, while making a small chunk of change here and there. As long as people were happy with me and I had some paper in my pocket, it felt like I was headed in the right direction.
I never fully understood the purpose of my art nor what I truly wanted to accomplish until this past year. I wanted to help people.
IN ORDER TO GET TO WHERE YOU WANT TO BE IN LIFE, YOU NEED TO HELP OTHERS GET TO WHERE THEY WANT TO BE ALONG YOUR WAY.
I didn’t realize I could serve as a vessel to help others by doing what I loved to do. I love using my illustrative lettering as a platform to teach and encourage others. Art had transformed from a hobby to a professional lifestyle. Unfortunately, the majority of people around me still perceive this as my hobby. When I'm asked if I can do a project for them, they think it’s something I’ll do in my spare time when I'm bored.
In a way, I find it somewhat comical and yet feel offended at the same time. It comes off as if they don't think I take this seriously and disregard the value of my time. Currently, there is no such thing as spare time. From my previous blog post, you can see that I have set some extremely high goals and I put a ton of pressure on myself to accomplish them. So obviously, something in my mindset had to change in order take a plan of action.
Until recently, I’ve learned the power of telling people no. It’s been hard, but growing a backbone to tell others no has significantly helped speed up the process of achieving the life I envision me living. It’s also given me a whole new perspective on how important my yes can be.
So why did I feel the need to say yes to everything?
I realized 9 times out of 10 I never said yes to people because I really wanted to take on their project. The reason I said yes to people was:
the desire to provide something of significance to someone
the feeling of obligation or being in debt to ones kindness
the fear of disappointing someone
DOES WHAT I DO MATTER TO PEOPLE?
I’ve grown to learn that one of my biggest weaknesses in life is being a people pleaser. I recently took some premarital preparation courses through my church and we covered the topic of the 5 Love Languages. Words of affirmation was by far my top love language. The other 4 felt irrelevant in my life. I needed to know that what I did mattered to people. That I was providing something of great significance to them.
Hearing that I did a good job keeps me motivated and performing at a high level. It's satisfying being able to please others and help shape their vision. I took pride in knowing that someone could communicate that tiny little idea they had floating in their head and I had the ability to execute it and bring it to life.
Gary Vaynerchuk says it best,
“Ideas are worthless. Execution is everything.”
Being able to execute someone’s idea was amazing. Seeing the excitement on their face when I presented it to them made all the hard work worth it. I didn’t realize that subconsciously I wanted to execute my own ideas and not others.
I began growing aware of this feeling of wanting to create for myself yet I still had more and more people asking me to do work for them and I couldn't turn it down.
Why did I feel the need please everyone else and not myself?
OBLIGATION & GUILT
I hold myself to a high standard and feel that I’m genuinely a giving person. It feels hypocritical if I’m not being nice and telling people yes.
Sadly, it was difficult to say no to acquaintances, but it was exceptionally harder to say no to family members and close friends. I felt an overwhelming sense of guilt and obligation to take on their projects as we had history together and they were the ones who had always supported me.
With praise and kindness, you begin to feel in debt and that you owe something to someone. Many people give you praise or give you a sentimental background story tied to their request. This adds an extra degree of difficulty to turn down regardless if the commission was minuscule. Saying no made me feel like I was letting them down or even worse, offending them as some people take it personal if I declined their projects.
FEAR OF DISAPPOINTING
With me being a people pleaser, it pains me to disappoint others.
Growing up, we all remember the times we got in trouble with our parents. You were scared that they were going to be irate with whatever mischief you got in. Except when you were confronted, they didn’t scream, yell or punish you. It was much worse......they told you they were disappointed in you.
Disappointing someones cuts deep and I hate that feeling with a passion. I’ve realized that with what I do, there will always be people who will be disappointed or offended. There is nothing I can do to change that. I’m to the point where I would rather disappoint others and let them down than disappoint the person I’m striving to become.
KNOW TO SAY NO
90% of the time now I am most likely going to say no to someone based on my values and the focus I have for my career. I’m telling them no because:
the project doesn’t align with my goals
it will take away the energy from what I should be doing
I value my time more than money
These reasons are the backbone to my no. They give me the confidence that I’m doing the right thing and help me get over the feeling of letting people down.
THE RIGHT FIT
I used to take on any project ranging from tattoo designs, posters, t-shirts, logos and anything on the spectrum of print or digital. It made no difference what it was for, I just wanted to show people I could do it. Now that I have niched down into illustrative lettering, I have certain goals I want meet and a specific style I want to curate on my platforms. This pretty much means that every project proposal I receive will not meet the criteria of what I am wanting to produce. Therefore you will receive a no from me. The project just doesn’t align with my goals.
Having the right fit means that I enjoy it a lot more and that it’s fulfilling my ideal situation of what I am striving to create for personal growth and development.
OVER COMMITMENT
I’ve been scolded many times over the years by Emily that I spend too much time working and that we need to spend more time together. It’s refreshing to hear and I need her to keep me in check because I would get so wrapped in all the work I would take on that I lose track of time. Days would become weeks. Next thing you know the seasons have changed and all I have to show for it is a pile of artwork I’ve done over the months and some satisfied customers.
While seeing the progress in my skills is rewarding, it’s evident where my mind was solely focused on. Committing to everyones requests led me to not commit to the things that mattered most which is my relationships with God, Emily, family and friends.
I was draining myself of energy to enjoy the things that really mattered in my life and the memories I could be making. I was putting so much pressure on myself to get everyone else's work done that I became blind to the things that I should be focusing on as well as selfishly putting my career ahead of their projects.
TIME > MONEY
I could rant about this all day and this is the most crucial reason behind my no. Time is our most valuable asset.
YOU CAN NEVER GET TIME BACK SO YOU MUST CHOOSE TO SPEND IT WISELY.
Sadly, it used to be about making a buck which would get me stuck with a project I didn’t like. I couldn’t wait to finish it to so I could reap the rewards of being underpaid.
Each year I’ve been raising my prices as I dedicate myself to my work and all the hours I’ve invested. I believe I’m worth what I charged and yet somehow I still feel like I was giving myself the short end of the stick. Most people want “a hook up” because we are close and many others think it’s crazy what I quoted them because in their eyes it’s just my hobby and I do it for fun. On the contrary, this is my career and I’m trying to pay off student loans, a mortgage, a car, and numerous other bills.
Saying no is my tool to generate more time to create for myself and build my brand to where I can be set financially to cover my expenses.
SAYING NO MAKES TIME WHILE SAYING YES TAKES YOUR TIME AWAY
In the end, this is so much more than money. The money will eventually come if I stay committed to delivering authentic content that motivates others. As long as my bills are covered, then I have the luxury of saying no because my time is extremely valuable to me. TIME IS MONEY.
MAKING MY YES MATTER
If I was to tell someone yes, I really want that yes to be compelling. Spreading myself too thin and saying yes to everything doesn’t make my time valuable. This is still a work in progress as I’m trying to perfect the way of telling people no. I feel I owe them a deep explanation when I truly don’t. If someone doesn’t understands or gets offended, that’s alright. I won’t lose sleep anymore if they take it personally.
I want people to really appreciate the times I say yes to as they understand that it doesn’t happen often. Art is my means of living and someday people will understand that as they continue to see my work ethic and how I pour my soul into this. But until then, I have a laser focus to reach my goals and having the backbone to tell people no will make this possible.
The main takeaway from this learning experience is that my art can provide something significant to someone while I continue to execute my own ideas. I’m determined to make time for growth and self development. The overall mission is to teach and share what I’m learning along the journey. The only way I can achieve this is by saying no.
If you are in my position, just realize your time is valuable and that saying no will end up giving you the opportunity to say yes to some pretty awesome things. If you find true happiness in creating the things you love, don’t let yourself get sidetracked by money, guilt or the longing for affirmation. What you create can still help others while still fulfilling your own needs. Figuring it all out is the beauty of the struggle, which I will be covering next week.
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If this post has helped you by any means or if you have any questions or issues you’d like me to cover, you can sign up for my upcoming newsletter or email me directly. I’d love to hear from you so I can keep on growing as an artist and teacher.